Just recently I was asked about my journey to having Micah. In the process of writing everything down, with so many memories coming back to my mind, I decided it would be good to put it in to writing on my blog so that I could have record of it. Most of you reading this probably know these details, so this post may not be one you care to read (as it will be quite lengthy, however your reward will be some birth pictures at the end, haha!), but I felt the desire more for myself than anything to capture it in this venue so that, above all else, I can always remember the miracle that Micah is and the amazing blessing he is to me and Christian.
So, my (our) story...
I had my first miscarriage back in May of 2008, and was 10 weeks along, but the baby only measured 6 weeks. I had all the pregnancy symptoms and when my blood was drawn my HCG count was where it should have been for a 10 week fetus, so I was sent for a level II ultrasound and it was discovered that the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks. Somehow that was not communicated to the rest of my body, however, so all my pregnancy levels continued to rise and I felt quite sick and pregnant. This being my first pregnancy, you can imagine the shock going to the doctor, for what you think it your first "routine" appointment only to find out that you have actually miscarried this baby. I had a D&C shortly thereafter (on Memorial Day weekend, ironically, since that is the exact day when Micah was born 2 years later) and was instructed to wait about 3 months before trying again.
My second pregnancy happened in October of 2008 (ironically, I actually ran the Chicago marathon pregnant - I just didn't know that I was at the time!) I found out the next week, and wasn't going to freak out yet, knowing that miscarriages are common, and believing this would be different. I was convinced by a friend, however, to call my doctor who sent me in to get my levels checked, and found out my progesterone was quite low. Scary low, and thus began the 2nd pregnancy. I was put on progesterone pills 2x daily (prometrium) and my levels started to improve and it seemed like things might be okay. I was sent in for an ultrasound to determine "viability" (which is a word I realize I really dislike!) at 6 weeks, and to my relief was able to hear the heartbeat. We heard another one 2 weeks later at 8 weeks, and then when I went in for my 12 week ultrasound we heard nothing. I couldn't believe it, because everything seemed to be going well and we had even heard the heartbeat twice! But, yet again, the baby had stopped growing/beating and I had another D&C in December of 2008. This was the hardest, by far, of my three miscarriages.
It was at this point that I started my major round(s) of testing. We saw two different infertility specialist - aka reproductive endocrinologists (RE). The first came from a recommendation of several friends, and that is where my husband and I both had lots of blood drawn to test for different things, and I had an HSG test (dye test) done to check and see if my tubes were open. After everything came back "normal" for me, and I was told to just try again, we left that doctor office very confused. We knew miscarriages were common, and if everything is "normal" then maybe we were okay to try again. But I also didn't feel a complete peace about the situation. Still, we continued to pray and decided to look at the second infertility specialist and in the mean time (maybe?) try again. We really only had one month of "trying" before seeing the second RE and it turns out that we did get pregnant that month, only to miscarry a week later. This one I probably would not have known I was even pregnant had I not been so in tune to my body and my cycle. The biggest downfall from this miscarriage was that: 1. the knowledge that I had had yet another miscarriage and 2. I had to wait another cycle to let everything clear my body before they would begin testing on me. Obviously God was in control of this situation, but I felt like I was constantly being told to wait. Wait for the doctor, wait for test results, wait for my cycle to come and go, wait to have a baby, wait, wait, wait... It's never easy, really, for me to wait, but to be on this emotional roller-coaster, and at the complete lows of it, only to be told to wait again - it was certainly hard to go through.
When they finally did a testing month on me from start to finish with my cycle, it was discovered that not only my progesterone levels were quite low, but that I had a cyst on my ovary that was concerning to the doctor and I needed to have an MRI to determine further what was going on. After the MRI, I was informed I needed another surgery to remove the cyst and to see if I had any endometriosis. That surgery occurred the first of August, 2009. More waiting on my part. The only good thing I was able to find in this surgery was that after I received my cycle started back we would be able to try to conceive again, using very entry level fertility measures. It was determined that because of my low progesterone levels, I needed an HCG trigger to induce ovulation, but to make sure that my levels were high enough to produce a good egg. Then 3 days after I triggered (self-given shot) I started on the prometrium pills. Through the year and a half of testing/research, I discovered that in 99% of cases, when you take prometrium AFTER you are already pregnant, it's likely to just delay the inevitable, which would be what happened with my 2nd pregnancy. This time I began taking the progesterone supplement BEFORE I even knew I was pregnant. Then 7 days after the trigger I had my levels checked again and it was determined I needed a second HCG trigger for good measure. Following these measures, we were able to conceive during the first month after my surgery. I then had weekly blood draws and ultrasounds until I was released from the specialist at 10 weeks. My pregnancy was still considered a high risk pregnancy because of my journey thus far, so I saw my regular OB every 2 weeks instead of 4 up until 20 weeks. I'll be honest, I didn't feel 100% safe about the pregnancy until Micah was in my arms at the end. Even in labor I ended up having an emergency c-section because the little guy tried coming face first instead of head first, causing his heart rate to drop and then to do the emergency section.
Throughout this roller-coaster I found my relationship with God grow on a much deeper level. I think there are two ways you can take trials you are given in life, and that is either to turn towards God or turn away. I definitely turned towards God - which was good - but there was lots of questioning in that process as well. I could not understand why God was not allowing us to be parents. We were good people who would give a baby a good home (and we were surrounded by people who were constantly getting pregnant/having babies - some of whom were fit, but some of whom were not so fit, in my opinion) and I just didn't understand it! What lesson, if any, was God trying to teach me through this constant heartache? Would I ever know the joys of becoming a mother? So many questions ran through my mind and so many prayers went up to heaven praying for me to have peace...to trust in the Lord...to know God was in control of the situation and that He was working out the perfect plan in His mind.
I have to say, now that I am in the throes of motherhood to an almost 5 month old, the events of the last two years are not as fresh in my mind. And when I look at Micah and how amazing he is, I know I am blessed beyond measure. And although I would never wish anyone to go through what I did, nor would I want to ever encounter it again myself, I know that if I had not experienced the road I did to motherhood, I would not have Micah as my son. And the love I have for him is at a level I didn't know existed; I couldn't imagine NOT having him in my life. So, all that to say, that I know God is in control! I know He orchestrates the events of our lives. There are highs and there are lows, but there is always a purpose and a reason. I still don't understand why my Christian and I had to go through what we did to get to the point where we are now, but we have definitely grown closer as a couple. He was there for me through every step of the way, and I realized even more how blessed I was to be married to him. We were also able to grow so much closer to God through our journey. We were able to place our desires at His feet and to trust Him with all that we had, because doctors can only do so much!
So there it is - the journey to how Micah came into our lives. Thank you God for such an amazing little boy and for taking us on this road that ultimately had an incredible outcome. I will be honest though - whenever we decide to try for number two, Lord willing of course, I pray that our journey doesn't include quite the "excitement" that this first one did:)
Below are some special pictures from the very special day!
Our first family photo - after a scary emergency c-section!! But he arrived safe and sound - welcome Micah Nathaniel Lauffer:)
Family shot again - this time Dad is nice and showered...mom, not so much:)
