Trusting in the Lord

The ending of this pregnancy has definitely not gone as I had expected.  When I was given a cut-off date and a scheduled c-section 6 days past my due date, I never thought it would be a date I would use.  But here I am, one day from that date, and starting to come to grips with the fact that my desire for a VBAC and to go into labor naturally (like I did with Micah) are likely not in the cards with this little boy.

I have had an emotional few days, starting first with the reality that I went past my due date to ending with the reality that a c-section is very likely (with everything in between).  After my emergency c-section with Micah and my sadness on missing out on a natural birth, I knew this time around a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) was my desire and goal.  I am a good candidate, as Micah's emergency c-sec was due to face presentation and not something "wrong" with me that would hinder a vaginal delivery.  I went it to labor on my own, one day prior to my due date, and have stayed healthy and fit throughout pregnancy.  I saw a chiropractor starting my 3rd trimester who helped to loosen my pelvic muscles, therefore making birth that much easier, through use of the Websters technique (among other added benefits of chiropractic work).  I have researched many, many sites which help promote optimal fetal positioning (spinningbabies.com is a fantastic site!).  All of these variables should help lead up to a healthy, vaginal delivery.

As my due date came and went, I began seeking out methods that might help kick-start my labor.  These methods included herbal supplements (red raspberry leaf tea and evening primrose oil) to walking tons (6 miles at a time at 38, 39 and 40+ weeks pregnant) to lots of time on the birthing ball, and a few other attempts.  Yesterday, at day 4 past my due date, I went in for an NST and BPP (monitoring procedures to ensure the baby is doing okay since I am sooooo far past my due date - note my sarcasm here) and inquired about the stripping of the membranes and breaking my water as last ditch efforts.  My two midwives, both very supportive of my VBAC desires who believe I should have no problems being able to do it, were discussing both of these options as well prior to my "deadline" on Wednesday morning.  One caveat to both of these required dilation of the cervix.  I wasn't dilated last Wednesday at all, and was just praying that something had changed, as I knew I was running out of time and options.

Well, things had changed, but only slightly, as I was *almost* a 1cm.  Progress, but not enough to strip the membranes, and also not enough to give my midwife confidence that they could break my bag of waters.  They had talked about possibly bringing me in tonight (Tuesday evening) and doing that to see if it started labor prior to my scheduled c-section Wednesday morning, but it appeared that both of these options were not viable for me.

I left the hospital yesterday and a flood of emotions overcame me and I could no longer hold back tears.  After a breakdown and coming to grips with the situation, I kept telling myself that God is in control.  That I know!  And if I'm destined to have a second c-section, I have to trust in His plan.  "'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11.  Maybe there's something wrong with me (that I am unaware of) and I'm not physically equipped to birth a child vaginally.  Maybe He's protecting me through an experience that would not end well saving me disappointment or worse on that end.  Whatever might be going on, it's not in my control.  The entire process of creating a life from start to finish is a complete miracle, as we all know!  It is one of the most amazing encounters in life, and one that I think very clearly shows a creator who orchestrates everything together.  It is the miracle of life that makes me wonder how anyone can question that there is a God, because clearly humans are not able to do this on our own accord.  I know that all too well through the beginning of our parenting journey back in 2008.  And while I am so grateful to be 1 day away from the birth of our second little boy, I realize my plans are not my own and I DO put my trust in the Lord.

I write this on Tuesday morning, knowing that I could still very well go in to labor at some point before tomorrow morning.  Either way though, in 24 hours from now we will be at the hospital, and I will be just a couple of hours away from holding that precious gift of life in my hands.  All is out of my control - as is the entire process of pregnancy, really - and I am okay with that.  I trust that God has it under control and am excited to see the outcome.  I am so ready to meet this little boy.  Christian, Micah and I have an amazing bond together, and we are eagerly anticipating the new arrival joining our family.

Please pray for us in the next day(s) as life is about to completely change!  Pray that the delivery goes well and that a healthy baby and mom come out on the other side.  Pray that we are able to adjust to a family of 4, and that we do the best we can with helping Micah shift to a big brother role.  Pray that Micah does okay being away from Mom and Dad for a couple of days while we are at the hospital.  And pray that my recovery from what looks like a c-section goes smoothly without any hiccups along the way, as I'll have a newborn and a very active toddler to take care of.  And I promise, update on the baby to come soon!! :)

"This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."  Psalm 118:24