Yep. I'm pregnant. VERY early on (like 5 weeks!!) as I just found out last Friday, but pregnant nonetheless. And while I'm excited, I'd say my overwhelming emotions are feeling guarded, cautious and subdued. That's not because I'm sad about the pregnancy. It's actually what we were hoping would happen, and I know what a blessing it is to be able to conceive. I've realized however, through this parenting journey, that my road is a bit atypical. At least from any of my close friends and family (that I know of).
I know this announcement is a bit atypical as well, but seeing that that is my journey, I felt it would be fitting. As a reminder for some of you who read, this is my 6th pregnancy. I have 2 amazing boys from 2 of those pregnancies, but I also have 3 little babies that were not meant to be on this earth. While the journey hasn't been easy, the 2 boys I have are truly miracles and I'm in love with them as much as I've ever been.
Truthfully, as the time has passed from my miscarriages (the last being in Spring of 2009) the heartache and pain associated with them has lessened as well. Time, as well as having 2 healthy boys have been a big healer. Close to a month ago my sister-in-law, Deanna, posted a link on facebook about how to mourn with the parents of stillborn and miscarried children. After reading the article, I was amazing at how spot on it was. I don't think I could put in to words what helped me when I was grieving, but reading the 6 thoughts the author listed in the post spoke truth and really hit home with me. It was a realization that THIS was what helped; THESE thoughts were exactly what I couldn't summarize, but what helped me through my heartache.
Reading this post also created a small bit of anxiety in me, as we were currently in the trying phase again. We had done everything we did with both boys, used the same doctor and same medications required to help us conceive and sustain a pregnancy. But there is still the fear that it might not be enough. It might not be God's plan for a viable pregnancy.
Fast forward a little bit, and it's time for me to take a pregnancy test. Lo and behold, it turns out positive and my heart is pounding. I want to be excited. I want to be happy. But all I'm feeling is anxiety.
First step, I have to ensure it's really a valid pregnancy test and not leftover HCG from the shots I had to do throughout my cycle. After my blood work comes back and I'm told I am indeed pregnant, I was hoping to feel a little more at ease. Well, my numbers came back a little on the low end from where I was at with both boys so of course I'm not comforted. The nurse didn't seem concerned, however, so I'm doing my best to be at peace.
Let me just say, it's during this point in my life that I truly rely on prayer and my faith in Christ. Jeremiah 29:11 helps, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" I know He is in control, and I am praying I am at peace with whatever the outcome. I also try and live by Philippians 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." This is really put to the test right now.
My second blood draw didn't ease my mind, and has had me contemplating a lot. It was actually this second draw that made me decide to write this post. I figured that those who read my blog are most likely people I would share my struggles with anyways (ie, if something went wrong with this pregnancy), and it would be a way to sort out some of the emotional roller coaster I'm on right now. So know that this announcement via the blog does not mean it's an official announcement for the general public. It's my way of reaching out to my closest friends and family, asking for prayer for me. Asking for peace and ultimately faith in the Lord's plans.
I will keep you updated through posts with good or not-so-good news and appreciate in advance the body of Christ standing by Christian and I as we walk this road again.
Love you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment